So I really should be getting to bed, but I am not tired. But I will be tomorrow morning.
I was just thinking and I know a lot of you say what you are really thinking and feeling, like this is an actual journal. And for me, it is so hard. I don't know why, but it seems like I always put on a happy face and just hide my feelings because it is so hard for me to express them. Also, it is hard for me to say what I really think of myself and all my insecurities. I think I need to though:
I want to be skinnier. What girl doesnt? But saying this is a big deal because I have always been confident with my body. But now I am not.
I am too shy. Not shy maybe. I don't know. I feel like I can't open up to people until I get to know them really well. So many people may think they know me but they don't at all.
I don't like my personality and I don't think I will ever have a boyfriend because, like I have said before, I can't just open up and be myself. I want to but I can't. I don't know why.
I am not pretty enough.
I am so torn on things like drinking. I want to but I know I shouldn't. I think that it is something that God doesn't want me to do and my parents don't want me to do but I do it anyway. And I want to. But I feel so bad. Is it worth it? I don't know. And I am worried for college because I know I will do that stuff. And I just don't know.
I am such a boring person. And it is really hard for me to carry on a conversation with someone I don't know. I don't like talking. It takes so much effort. But for some reason I feel like if I don't talk, then it is so awkward.
I need to be more responsible.
My faith has gone down the drain. There is no use trying to fool anyone. I don't want to go to church. It just isn't a point right now in my life that I want to do. I don't even know if there is a God. And I don't like now knowing. What if we go to church our whole life and believe in this crazy idea that there is a God and there isn't?
I know that you shouldn't have sex before you are married...but what if you aren't married at like 40? Are you supposed to stay a virgin for the rest of your life?
I have this huge fear of someone in my family dying and it nags at me all day. I don't think I could ever live without any one of them.
I just don't know about anything. I hate having questions.
And please don't pity me or anything. And don't try to reassure me about my body or personaltiy, I don't need sympathy comments to raise my self-esteam.